


The Repeated Image of a Lover Destroyed

by tzarevnaofsuburbs



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Inquisition, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Angst and Porn, Dirty Talk, M/M, Sad Ending, The Calling (Dragon Age), after the events of inquisition
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:40:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26271280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tzarevnaofsuburbs/pseuds/tzarevnaofsuburbs
Summary: The Warden comes back to King Alistair after 18 years from his search of a cure for The Calling.Feelings of once upon a time ensue.
Relationships: Alistair/Male Cousland, Alistair/Male Warden (Dragon Age), Alistair/OC
Kudos: 10





	The Repeated Image of a Lover Destroyed

**Author's Note:**

> In the flashback scenes Alistair’s 18 and my Warden is 22. In the present, which is 3-4 years after the events of Inquisition, Alistair’s 35 and the Warden is 39.  
> I hope you enjoy reading :)

_\-------_

_Elder your time has come_

_Now I am filled with sorrow_

_Weary eyes need resting_

_Heart has become grey and slow_

_In waking sleep is freedom_

_We sing, rejoice_

_We tell the tales_

_We laugh and cry_

_We love one more day_

_\-------_

A knock at the wooden door disturbed the tired man from his study, the dim light coming from the lamp flickering at the noise.

“ _Your Majesty_ , a letter has just arrived from Orlais. Thought you might want to read this one yourself, so I didn’t open it. From the Hero of Ferelden, it says.”

It took Alistair a few minutes to register the words being said, his head still aching from his work. He made a quick hand gesture to retrieve the envelope stamped with the Grey Warden mark.

He watched as his servant left bowing his head to him, head filled with thoughts of what might be so important that Cousland had finally reached out to him after all these years of no contact.

He looked at the envelope, afraid of not knowing what was written inside it, anxiously took out his pocket knife from one of his drawers and broke the seal.

He removed the folded paper, carefully unfolding it on top of his table. Dried rose petals from within the letter scattered around the table, oozing a comforting smell all around Alistair, making him remember of those old days that left a bittersweet taste in his mouth.

He wiped them away, adjusting his reading glasses to finally see what the Warden had written.

“ _My dearest friend Alistair, or should I call you King Alistair now?_

_Never good with titles, this old head o’mine._

_I hope that you’re healthy and well._

_I’m sorry that this is the first time I’m writing to you after all these years._

_I have some things that I need to tell you that I can’t say on paper._

_Please do not panic as it’s nothing to worry about or make haste for_

_preparations as I won’t be staying for too long._

_I will already be on my way when you read this letter._

_Hope to see you soon._

_Yours truly,_

_Robert Aedan Cousland”_

Alistair read the letter over and over again, his chest feeling tightened, breath shaky and irregular, the letter almost inducing a panic attack. He let go of his strong hold of the paper like it burnt him, the bottom left part crumpled and sad sitting on top of the table.

Whatever he had expected the Warden to write, it definitely wasn’t this. He took a deep breath, folding the letter as carefully as he unfolded it, putting it back in its place inside the envelope. He didn’t have the energy to collect the rose petals back in, just staring at them laying on top of his table in disbelief.

He put the envelope inside his second drawer, placing it on top of all of his important documents. He rose to his feet, making his way out of the confining atmosphere of his study room.

He walked through the long halls that never seemed to end to his bedroom where he slept alone, his marriage to Anora purely political, his hands shaking as he found the door knob in the darkness of the night.

He quickly took of his daily attire making him feel choked more now than every other day, leaving him only in his undergarments.

He thought about how Warden looked the last time he saw him as he got inside the bed, his dark brown hair had been unkempt as his beard was, weary eyes as he struck the last strike onto Archdemon’s body leaving it motionless.

He had patted Alistair on the shoulder then, told him that he would be king now with Anora by her side, when Alistair tried to refuse his words and yell back at him he had just smiled making Alistair know that they had no other choice.

He had said that he would make a good king, a fair and just one, Alistair had done everything in his power to not prove him wrong.

When they got inside the castle floors after defeating the demon, all of them battered, blood and death reeking their whole body, Warden had quickly excused himself telling the others he was going to take a bath. Alistair followed after him soon enough, making his way through the grand doors of the big castle.

Warden looked disrupted, like he was not fully there as he washed away the pieces of blood and gore stuck onto his face and hair. Alistair watched for a few minutes in silence wondering what turmoil was going inside his head until the Warden took notice of him, sending an exhausted smile his way.

They didn’t talk for another five minutes, communicating with just looks as the sound of Warden splashing water on his body filled their ears echoing throughout the big bathing hall.

Alistair finally mustered his courage to break the now discomforting silence.

“It’s finally over, huh?” he said wondering if Warden heard him.

“Yeah, it is over.” Warden whispered more to himself than Alistair.

He got close, his hand hovering over the flaming red scars on Warden’s back. He wanted to heal them all away but didn’t dare touch the Warden looking so crumbled, like he was not the man who had just ended the Fifth Blight.

He cringed as he looked at the pool of blood collected down the Warden’s feet.

“I will not be staying for the festives. Please apologize to others for me.” Warden said sounding so sure, the fragile man from seconds ago disappearing with the blood gone through the drain.

He got out of the stone tub, not looking Alistair once in the eye. They sat side by side as they cleaned the remnants on Warden’s armor, neither of them daring to say anything more. Warden donned his armor when the cleaning was done, both of them making their way to the stable with quiet footsteps like they were afraid of offending the ghosts of the castle.

Warden let out one big breath when they reached the horse, looked at Alistair and grabbed his jaw, caressed Alistair’s face with his thumb once leaving it there like they were frozen in time. Alistair had a selfish thought for a second, he wished that they hadn’t killed the archdemon, so he wouldn’t be able to leave.

He planted a kiss on top of his thumb, causing whatever magic was gluing them to the muddy ground to dispel, making the Warden pull himself back and get on his horse.

“ _Farewell_ , Alistair.” Warden said pulling the ropes on his horse, letting it know of his intent to leave.

Alistair made a noise akin to a cry in response.

He wanted to reach out to him, to tell him not to leave, but all he could do as he watched Warden leave was to stare at his broad back, both of them pretending not to notice the gut wrenching sobs Alistair let out.

He watched until the Warden disappeared between the woods, his mere existence gone in a blink. He made his way back inside the castle walls, shoving away the tears prickling at his eyes with a harsh motion.

The party had already found the booze and the wine hidden away in the cellar, shoved their armor into a corner leaving them only in their robes, and started drinking it like it was their last day on earth. It was kind of like that in a sense, both their last and first day on it.

Oghren is the first one to take notice of Alistair’s disheveled form, eyes and cheeks red like the embers of a hearth fire.

“He’s gone without saying a goodbye to us eh, that sly dog.” He says, pulling Alistair inside the hall tables.

“Honor is what kept him alive, and it’s going to be honour that’s gonna get him killed.” Zevran mutters to himself, which Morrigan scoffs at.

Oghren slides a tankard Alistair’s way. “Well brother, there’s plenty of booze to drink still. Have at it.” He half-punches him, making him cough.

Alistair doesn’t want to think anymore for the night, so he doesn’t, he just drinks.

\------------------------------

He wakes up next morning feeling unrested, his day going in a blur with the preparations for the Harvest Festival in Denerim’s marketplace. He enjoys it when the city center is this alive, dwarves, elves and the humans helping each other prepare for it.

It’s more peaceful now than ever, his measures against race discrimination he took as soon as he got crowned showing its effects. Even the alienage is more lively now, not living like some second class citizens.

For all the good he does, the bad dreams still do happen sometimes.

The archdemon holding his feeble body, looking directly into his eyes as he chomps the heads off of his friend’s bodies. Then he crushes Alistair’s body with the most unimaginable strength, his bones turning to dust within the matter of seconds. He wakes up screaming, his whole body covered with sweat, his breathing ragged and irregular.

But now’s not the time to think about bad things like this, he has to make sure the carnival is top shape for his friend, hopefully bearing some good news about the taint and how to cure it.

He wanders through the market stalls his guards at his back, giving everyone working hard a nod of encouragement, leaving a sack of coin for their effort.

Everything happens too fast then, an arrow finding its place on Alistair’s chest, sending him to instant paralytic state. One guard draws his sword, checking their surroundings for anyone with a bow, the other one prepares to carry him back to the castle, trying not to move him too much while Alistair looks around blankly, trying not to lose consciousness.

A voice from the crowd emerges, yelling at the guards to move away. He crushes some herbs together in his small pot, adds some kind of potion into the mix. He straightens Alistair making him half-sit in his place and opens his mouth, pouring the potion down his throat. He looks at the face covered with a hood in front of him and tries to make sense of it as he passes out.

\------------------------------

He awakens with a pain in his head, his mouth dry and chapped. His eyes blurry and unfocused.

“Easy, Alistair. C’mon, drink some.” A tired voice calls from his side, pushing a cup of water to his mouth.

He gulps down the water in a matter of seconds, his bowels working with the water inside his body now, making his stomach grumble. Looks like the person besides him is prepared for that as well, a spoonful of soup making its way to him. He looks at the owner of the hand feeding him, a scruffy beard and a short brown ponytail to match it, reminding Alistair of Duncan.

He thinks he’s gone to the other side for a few seconds, but the pain in his head makes it clear to him that he is still very much in the real world.

“You’ve been out for two days, trying to get the poison out of your system.” Something in Alistair recognizes the voice, a bit more tired, a bit more harsh and lower than he remembers, but he recognizes it. He swallows the last piece of bread with the soup, a sour taste in his throat.

“It was the “Grave’s Kiss” a poison made with a special arrow rear, which may seem like it's normal to the common eye, however if you’re like me… well. You are lucky I was there, is what I’m trying to say.”

The Warden smiles like he’s proud, his eye bags getting even more prominent. He looks older for his age, greys in his hair more than countable. The smile lines on the ends of his mouth makes him look more handsome than old, thinks Alistair.

“Now I can make my proper introductions I guess,

T’is I once the Warden Commander Robert Aedan Cousland.

Whew, what a mouthful. Hope that you were able to recognize me, I know I have gotten very old but hey, haven’t we all.” He makes up for the silence Alistair gives him. The tired in his voice now replaced with a joyful pitch.

He brings his hand to Alistair’s temple to check his temperature, nodding to himself when he feels the heat of his skin.

Alistair finally stops his staring to answer the Warden.

“You’re earlier than I expected.” Alistair says, not really knowing what else to say. He remembers the sting on his chest then, pulls down the covers to look at it.

“Well, yes. I might’ve told the carriage driver to hurry up or else I’d cut his throat in a spur.

He didn’t take that very nicely, as he made sure the carriage stepped on every rock we passed on the way here. But hey, it was faster so I’m not complaining.” He chuckled, shrugging his shoulders.

“Your healer did some magic on your chest by the way, so there shouldn’t be any scars left. I hope.” Warden kept blabbering, like he was trying to make up all those times that had passed.

It was unlike his character to be so animated, like he couldn’t hold the joy of seeing Alistair once again inside of him. He seemed to have made peace with his old self, found his purpose once again.

Alistair really admired that about him, since he was still struggling with the shadows of his past. Warden had changed, and maybe he could too, once again under his light.

“Any news about The Calling then, have you found a cu-?” A shadow fell upon Warden’s face, skilfully putting on one of his many masks as he cut Alistair’s words.

“Now’s not the time to talk about things like this with you bed-ridden and all. What about the Harvest Festival, you think you’d be up for it to show me around by then?”

He put his right hand on top Alistair’s scar, caressing it mindlessly. Alistair didn’t know if it was to distract him or out of a now long forgotten habit of theirs when they’d sleep together in their camp on those nights where it got a little bit too cold.

“I think so, yes. I don’t understand what we, two fully-grown men, one a king and one an acclaimed hero mind you, would be doing in a parade however.”

He wanted to show him around, show off what he had done to improve the city in all those years, it was just the pain making him a bit grumpy he told himself rather than accept he was more annoyed at the Warden acting like it hadn’t been nearly 15 years since they’ve last seen each other and all was well.

But he wouldn’t admit that to himself or to anyone else.

“Well, we’d be joining up the festivities of course. When was the last time you’ve done a Summer Dance? Yeah, thought so.” He stretched his last word to a yawn, the sleepiness flowing down through his eyes.

Alistair replied to him with a roll of his eyes. “Have you gotten any sleep since you’ve come here? Yeah, I thought so as well. Come _here_ Aedan.” He scooted over more to his side as he commanded in what he had improvised in years as his “king” voice. 

Aedan didn’t have any objections as he found his way into Alistair’s backside, taking off his boots and getting on the bed with calculating movements. He didn’t know what to say as he stared at the rustic patterns of the ceiling.

“Heard something in Orlais, that you’ve been fucking multiple men who had brown eyes and chestnut hair resembling somewhat of me.

Anora was mad at you when the rumour started spreading around the common folk so you had to stop your activities for a while, is what I’ve heard, probably just a rumour though.”

Aedan decided to choose a touchy topic, of all the things he could have talked about.

He checked for any differences in Alistair’s breathing as he couldn’t see his face. He exhaled and inhaled at a normal pace for a while, making Aedan think that he wouldn’t bother to answer.

His stare was both cold as a stone and fierce as a fire when he turned to face the Warden.

“And what of it is, to _you_?” He spat out, challenging him. Daring the Warden to raise his brows at him.

“I thought that maybe a king has more important business than playing around.” He answered, his voice poisonous and bitter.

“Maybe you shouldn’t have left then. I’d have you to play around, since that was all you did with me.” Alistair’s voice trembled, his cheeks flush. He didn’t know what the Warden was trying to get out of him, making him anger for no reason.

He laid still for a second in shock when Aedan took his head in his hands, closing the distance between their heads with a rushed motion, and kissed him with such vigor. He quickly responded back, his tongue and brain melting in between their hot breaths. He had forgotten the sweet taste of this, the burn of Aedan’s beard on his skin.

Aedan was to first to pull back, Alistair making an embarrassing noise due to the lost of contact. He buried his left hand inside Aedan’s untidy hair as he made his way to Alistair’s neck and chest, kissing and biting every piece of skin he could find there, making him gasp and curse out loud.

“Fuck, I missed you.” Cousland sweared as he got back on his side of the bed this time for real. He didn’t hide his gaze as he checked out the top part of Alistair’s body, his bare chest now filled with his love marks.

“Missed me or my body, you scruffy bastard.” Alistair chuckled, the heaviness in the air scattering.

His chest hurt and he pretended it was because of his scar and not knowing where this was going. He just knew he’d be hurt at the end, anyways. So he decided to enjoy it while it lasted.

“Goodnight, Al.” Aedan whispered, putting an arm around Alistair’s chest, making him the little spoon.

“G’night.” Alistair closed his eyes, praying to whatever gods there were to make this moment last forever.

\------------------------------

Aedan saw a shadowy figure move towards the lake as he was making his nightly rounds, saying goodnight to everyone in their camp, so naturally he decided to follow. He heard clothes rustle as he got closer to the lake, the moonlight illuminating his way through the trees.

“H-Hey, who’s there?” A voice called out, making itself known.

“It’s me Rob, that you Al? Aaand, you’re naked.” 

The Warden instantly turned around, a blush rising in his cheeks while mumbling out a small apology, his eyes catching a last glimpse of Alistair’s round bottom.

“It’s fine. I just don’t like taking a bath with the others around. Stupid I know.” He could hear Alistair scratching his head as he went deeper inside the lake.

He looked at Alistair’s face as he washed his hair, his eyes shining like the brightest pearls of Kirkwall. 

He hated how everything Alistair did had a huge impact on him. Alistair jokingly touching his shoulder, Alistair getting in front of him when there was danger ahead, Alistair offering him his wine. It was all Alistair and no space in his chest for anything else.

“Well, sorry to bother ya. I’ll be taking my leave then.” Warden said as he broke through his cloud of thought.

“Why don’t you come in as well? I-I mean, I don’t think you’ve had a bath with the others today, right? So I think-If you want. I wouldn’t mind sharing is what I’m trying to say.” Alistair called for him, burying his neck deeper inside the water to hide his blush.

“Honestly, I wouldn’t say no to a bath right now.” He quickly took off his clothes, his back still turned against Alistair. 

He got inside the water quickly, hoping he didn’t expose too much of himself for Alistair’s comfort.

“Ohh, now this is nice. Very kind of you to share, messere King.” He let out a sigh of joy, splashing Alistair with some water.

Alistair chuckled in reply as he made a jump for the Warden’s body, pushing him under the water. 

“What did you say now, peasant?” Alistair badly impersonated a rich man they had met on their journeys while Warden tried to open his eyes.

He attacked back, wasting no time making Alistair lose his balance, forcing him to hold onto Warden’s waist by wrapping his legs around it, having to put his arms around his neck.

“Hmm, Alistair?” Warden challenged him, they both could feel the bulge pressing against Alistair’s ass.

He thought that he took the joke too far when Alistair didn’t reply, looked at his face to make some sense of it. He could hear the gears in his head clicking, trying to decide what to.

He didn’t have the time to be surprised when Alistair pressed a quick peck on his lips. He looked at Alistair’s eyes not looking back at his and kissed him back.

“Hey, love. Open your mouth, _please_.” He whispered, his lips against Alistair’s.

He did as he was told, the pet name setting off a fire somewhere in his chest.

Aedan kissed him for real this time, tongue in his mouth, licking and sharing the sweet taste of spit between them. Alistair shuddered in response, his body feeling weak, having to put his weight on Aedan.

It was then when an awful noise teared up the sky, the Archdemon roaring while coming for them, red eyes full of fury and death. Aedan watched frozen in place as the demon opened his mouth and bited Alistair’s head off in one quick swipe. He awoke from his trance as Alistair’s blood sprayed all over him, the lake’s color washed all red. He screamed for the demon to come at him, to come and drown him in his stomach, to save him from this agony. But all the demon did as Aedan screamed his heart out was to stare and ridicule him for all his idiocracy.

He didn’t understand what was happening at first when he opened his eyes, the clutter around him not making any sense, the hand shaking him familiar yet foreign.

“Hey, hey. It’s me Alistair, easy Aedan. It was just a bad dream.” Alistair said, trying his best to calm him down, putting a hand over his temple to separate the hairs sticky with sweat.

“Shit, sorry. Did I make too much noise?” Warden came to himself, embarrassed for his outbreak.

“It’s fine. I still have bad dreams too, from time to time.” He smiled, pitying them both. “Let’s try to get some sleep for a few hours now, until the sun rises. Okay?” He closed his eyes as he urged Aedan to do the same.

“Yeah.” He whispered, his heart not knowing how to beat regularly.

\------------------------------

The Warden is all alone when he wakes up. He slowly wears his silk shirt, his eye caught on the light peeking through the window.

The bleak yellow of the morning sun had started to pass away leaving it’s place to a warm color, must be nearly afternoon then. The tired in his bones warmed up as he washed his face, letting the water wake him up.

He got out the door, fastening his belt in the motion, asked the guard stationed at his door of the king’s where-abouts. The guard directed him to the courtroom, where he saw Alistair in action as a real king for the first time.

The golden crown for a golden boy he thought, it suited him well. He watched as Alistair saw all his guests, peasant or noble didn’t matter to him, he just listened and tried to find some solution to their endless problems. 

Never once did Warden expect this outcome, he had always thought that there’d be a cabin in the woods for just the two of them and maybe he’d learn how to play a music instrument or two, entertaining them whenever they were bored. He thought that he had deserved that happiness, he thought he had earned it through blood and tears. 

Yet he couldn’t do it.

Never did he forgive himself for not saying anything, letting Alistair go. He was just too weak of a coward to do anything, the Hero of Ferelden my ass. 

Now it was the end of it all for him and all he had was no cure for it and a few days to live at best. So he was gonna make best of it, while he could.

When all the guests were gone to their tables for afternoon lunch Alistair exhaled a deep breath letting his shoulders drop with the heaviness of his duty. It was then he noticed the Warden watching him and gave him a weak smile. 

The Warden walked towards him, not sure of whether to kneel or not before approaching, he did anyways bending his knee on the golden carpet.

The court messenger announced him to the crowd and the king, Alistair smiling slyly at him as he watched.

“You may rise and come, Warden.”

He started walking, his hands not knowing what to do as he got closer to Alistair. He stopped in front of the steps to the throne, the level difference between them obvious, a king and a commoner nobody who was somebody once.

“I have news about The Calling, your grace. However speaking in private might be better for us both.” He said, calling out the attention of all the curious ears in the room. 

“Very well. The court is dismissed for today. You may all leave. You follow me Warden.” The King addressed to everyone in the room. 

Annoyed murmurs rose from the room as everyone took their leave. He walked as the Warden followed, not batting an eye to anyone in the room. 

They walked through the big arched door leading to a room with a long dining table, obviously made for meeting reasons.

The King settled onto a chair as the Warden mirrored his movements.

“Go ahead then, I’m listening.” He looked at the Warden with big interest, his palms under his chin, elbows propped up against the table.

“Wow, very serious setting all of a sudden. Okay before we start, I’ve gotta say great job with the King thing Al, you’re nailing it.” 

He moved up his brows in an impressive motion, supporting his words.

“Honestly, I don’t know where to start. So I’ll start with this elven girl, Merrill. Weird one, I’ll tell you that. Not lots of normal ones in this story, anyways. Has a broken magic mirror, calls it Elluvan or something. Tells me that it can help me, but gotta find a wolf first, an elven wolf. Because apparently, the wolf can use the mirrors to travel through time with them. The Dread Wolf, they call it. Some kind of god to them, she expects me to find a god! Peh!” He stops to take a breath, looks at Alistair’s calculated face for a reaction.

“Merrill, huh. Sounds familiar, not sure from where though. Do go on, please.” 

Warden opens his mouth to speak, instead his stomach speaks for him.

“Shit, sorry. Haven’t had anything since I woke up.” Alistair waves his hand in disregard. “I’m pretending not to notice how you left me alone in the bed, by the way.” Warden adds.

“Well, the festives must have started. You wanna go?” He says, dodging the pointed words.

\------------------------------

Alistair pulled his hood up as they got closer to the festival’s grounds, the sun on their back now. A few people seemed to recognize him as they passed through their stalls, eating some apple pie and buying summer wine on the way, but didn’t make any ruckus. 

They walked together in silence, watching the children splash water at each other and the youngins hand in hand with their loved ones.

Everybody’s spirits were high, even the sun was at its highest spot blessing their souls, the carnival musicians playing songs brimming with joy as everyone took turns dancing in front of it.

“C’mon people! Are ya here to watch? Come and dance!” A voice called out to the crowd as a woman with golden jewelry pushed Aedan into the crowd.

Alistair was about to laugh at the drunken lady dragging him all around the place when another pulled him in. 

They somehow found themselves in each other’s arms, smiling stupidly as they danced to the rhythm of the tambourine. The crowd cheered ort he when Aedan took Alistair’s feet off the ground, spinning him around the stalls, Alistair struggling to keep his hood on. 

Aedan kissed him mid-air, making the crowd go crazier than before. Alistair kept blushing as they stopped spinning, dragged him out of the crowd. 

They walked for a while until they reached the top of a grassy hill with no one around, laid down their summer wine.

Their breath ort hadn’t catched on when Alistair kissed Aedan, his tongue tasting the wine on his mouth. Aedan sat down, his back resting against a big tree, pulling down Alistair with him.

Alistair licked and licked, tasted him with all his might, wrapping a hand around Aedan’s back, settled on top of his thighs.

“This is what it would be like, you know.”

Aedan said when they parted to breathe.

“What?” Alistair’s voice a confused whisper.

“If we had met under normal circumstances, we’d ort festivities, dance and kiss and do whatever else we’d like to. Without having to care about anything else in the world.” Sadness in his voice recognizable from five meters apart.

“We could have done that ort, if you had not left without saying a word.” The bitter in Alistair, ready to shoot and kill.

“You don’t understand it Al, we couldn’t have. We ort can’t. You have a responsibility to this kingdom, you had it when we were young too. You can’t abandon that. It wouldn’t be fair to all those people looking you in the eye.”

“Oh but it is fair to me? I don’t get the choice to make what becomes of me?

You know what Rob, you’re a coward. 

You didn’t even ask me what I wanted to do when you left, you just assumed I wanted to take this huge responsibility and left me alone with it.” Alistair’s words burned both of them, the oxygen in their bodies more flammable now than ever.

“I would have come with you if you had asked, I would leave everything behind for you but you didn’t fucking ask. 

I honestly don’t know why you’re even here. If you have found the cure, you should have just sent a letter with ingredients written in it.” He was out of breath, his cheeks burning up with rage.

“This, this just hurts us both.” He wouldn’t cry now, no, he had promised himself that the last time. 

The sun blinded his eyes as he got out of Aedan’s lap, laying down next to him on the grass, trying to even out his breathing.

He hated it when he did this, calculating his response so he would say the thing most likely to calm Alistair down.

“I didn’t find no cure, at least for us of human blood. Might be ort he elves, though. I stopped searching for it after I learned that.” He shrugged at his own impotence.

“Then why are you here, Aedan? To play with me and leave me agai-“ 

“No, my time has come. That’s why I’m here. I wanted to see you one last time.” He sent a weak smile Alistair’s way, the words causing a shock through Alistair’s body.

He couldn’t will his mouth to open, to shout, to scream at him, to ask him why he had waited this long to come to him.

“You’re right about everything you said, you know. I am a coward and I hate every fibre of my being because of it. 

We could have been those careless children running around in fields, not giving a fuck about anything but what to ort he ort . 

But I couldn’t and I know that no matter how many times I apologize to you I won’t be able to make up for it.” A breath got stuck in Aedan’s windpipe and he just broke.

Tears dripped down his cheeks as he took short breaths in and gave them out. His cry was the most distressing voice Alistair had ever heard. He had never seen him like this, it was like a switch had flipped, Alistair was in Aedan’s body ort hen was in his.

He straightened up, coming face to face with Aedan, kept his distance and asked him. 

“How many days, Aedan? How many do you got?” His voice didn’t shake, it was the most calm it had been in months.

“Three at most, the demon is more vivid now than ever. Calls out to me, stares me in the eyes. I’ll leave ort he Deep Roads tomorrow. Before my body is too weak for it.” His cries turned to quiet sobs.

A flock of birds flew through front of them as the sun folded into a red color, nothing feeling real to Alistair. 

“And you waited this long, because?” He didn’t recognise his own voice.

“Al I didn’t know when the time would be right, I didn’t want to ruin this life you had built for yourself here. 

It was my own selfishness that made me come here and I know that it is even more selfish ort h to want more but I do.” He sighed out loud, surprised and creeped out by Alistair’s calm stance. 

“Well, what is it you want more? Hmm, Aedan? 

Do you want ort fuck you so hard that your bones would ort remember it by the time they all turn to ash? 

Do you want ort scream, ort he curses, to hit you while we do it, so you’d feel forgiven?

I could turn you around right here, stick my cock in you raw, ort he whole village to hear your cries.”

Aedan couldn’t help the blush rising in his cheeks, the blood pooling around in his groin.

“Bloody Andraste, look at you. Turned on by getting told you’ll turn to ashes. Well go on then, suck on it and I might as well let you suck the real thing.” 

Aedan licked his lips in expectation as Alistair’s middle finger found it’s way onto his mouth, gulping down saliva through his dry throat. 

He took the whole thing in his mouth, obviously mimicking a fellatio, too shy to look Alistair in the eye.

He wanted to touch himself, to relieve himself of the itch. But Alistair’s other hand smacked his away when he tried to.

“No, you don’t get to feel any kind of relief tonight.” He growled as he deliberately pushed the finger too far, hitting the back of Aedan’s throat, making him gag and see white for a few seconds.

He pulled out his finger with a pop out of Aedan’s mouth, his semi-erection visible through his trousers. 

“Get naked.” He ordered, ort hen obeyed. 

The warm evening breeze started to wander around his skin, making the hairs on his body stand up. Alistair glanced at him as he waited, not knowing what to do.

They switched places as Alistair leaned on the tree, pushing down Aedan’s face to his crotch with his dry hand.

“Start sucking.” Aedan tried to pull down Alistair’s trousers but was stopped with a sharp pull on his hair. “No, suck through the cloth.” 

“Al, I-“ His words were cut by Alistair pushing his head even lower, making his nose touch his crotch.

He gave a kitten lick, wetting the fabric in the process. He could map out the shape of Alistair’s cock like this, lick and suck wherever he could.

He shivered and left out a shaky breath when he felt a wet finger on his rim, only circling around it, not doing anything to breach it.

“Who told you to stop, Aedan?” He slid his pants down with one hand, just enough ort h his cock out. 

Aedan’s unattended dick twitched with excitement against Alistair’s thigh.

“Al, please.” He pleaded, his untouched cock aching with need.

“Please what?” He asked, ghosting a hand over Aedan’s dick.

“Please, touch me.” His cheeks burned with shame.

“Touch you where Aedan? You’re not being very clear right now.” The hand over his cock moved away to his chin, making Aedan face Alistair.

“My dick, Alistair please.” He said, not being able to look him in the eye.

He chuckled darkly in response only letting his thumb touch the tip of Aedan’s dick. Aedan collapsed against his touch, letting out a gasp of relief. 

He gave the slit of Alistair’s dick a lick, wrapping one hand around him, one hand on his thigh to keep his balance.

He took the head in his mouth and sucked on it , pumping it with his hand in rhythm, getting an explicit moan from Alistair.

He earned a pump to his cock in return, the friction not being enough making him go crazy. He tried to thrust against Alistair’s hand, only to be squeezed to stop by him.

Alistair spit in his other hand smearing it around his fingers as they made their way to Aedan’s buttocks once again. 

He put one finger in lazily as Aedan took more of his cock. He could tell by the way his breathing got shorter and faster that he was close to coming. He sucked up and down, matching Alistair’s rhythm, letting his dick hit the top of his throat. 

“Fuck. You’re so filthy.” Alistair came down his throat with a groan, Aedan whimpering around his dick as he took it, his whole body visibly shaking as he inhaled and exhaled.

He pulled off Aedan out of his dick, saliva and semen dripping down his mouth as he looked at him with blurry eyes.

“You’re like this ort h and I haven’t even touched you properly yet. 

Well go ahead, prepare yourself then, since you want it so much.”

He blinked for a few seconds before blushing, trying to make sense of Alistair’s words. He slowly got out of Alistair’s lap, balancing himself with his shaky legs on top of the grass.

He wetted his fingers with his mouth, trying to remember the pace that Alistair had set with his fingers. He put one finger in, Alistair’s burning gaze opening holes in his body.

“If you want ort touch you, you’re gonna have to look at me Aedan.” Alistair settled in front of him, opening up the wine bottle without looking at it.

He took a sip as Aedan’s eyes found their way to his eyes beginning from his cock to upper body. Aedan could see the sultry fire in his eyes, hurt hidden behind it. 

“Good boy.” He gave an approving caress to Aedan’s blazing red cock, kissing him with tongue, the taste of wine and sex mixing between them.

His ears burned with shame as he inserted the second finger, Alistair kissing and nibbling on his face and neck, his cock oozing with precum to finally have some attention.

He was so close to coming, Alistair’s half-hearted touch making him cry and beg for it.

“Hmm, I think that’s enough. Come on, let’s go.” He man-handled Aedan into his trousers, tightening the belt on his aching cock.

“I-I can’t go like this.” Aedan stuttered, his boner constricted in linen fabric.

“I’m guessing you don’t want any rubbing burns on your knees, so we’ll do it properly, on a bed.” Alistair said, dragging him by his wrist.

They walked to the castle on a quiet trail covered by woods, thankfully not encountering anyone on their way. The big door to Alistair’s bedroom creaked as he closed it with a wham, dropping off Aedan on the bed.

He took off his shirt as Aedan sat waiting for him, looking for something in the room.

“Get on all fours. Arch your back.” Alistair said when he found the bottle of juice, making his way back to the bed.

Aedan felt exposed like this, his ass in the air, his mouth leaving wet spots in the pillow. He thrusted his dick against the sheets when Alistair exhaled next to his hole, tutting at him to not move.

He gasped when Alistair poured the cold juice down his ass, dripping to his balls and the sheets of the bed. He gave a pump to Aedan’s ignored cock, making it ignite with interest again as he licked a stripe down his ass.

“Sweet.” He tasted as Aedan moaned out loud with shame. He licked and scissored two fingers into the already open entrance.

“Just fuck me already.” Aedan begged, trying to find Alistair’s eyes.

Alistair gave his dick a few pumps, spat on it to ensure full wetness.

“I want to see your face, please Alistair.” How could he refuse when he asked so nicely. “Sit on it then.”

Aedan got up and made his way to Alistair’s lap, wrapping his arms around his neck. He sat down carefully holding Alistair’s dick in place, both of them groaning as he hit balls deep. He took a moment to breathe against Alistair’s neck, leaving wet kisses all over him. Alistair stroked his dick in response, hitting that sweet spot inside of him with his hips.

He came shaking against Alistair, finally letting out a gasp of relief. Alistair followed soon enough, filling up Aedan whole. He got off Alistair’s dick, laying down the bed with exhausted breaths. Alistair laid down next to him, kissing his face, chest and every piece of skin he could find.

He could feel the warm teardrops burning his skin, Alistair sobbing quietly as he laid down on his chest.

“I hate you, I hate you so much.” He whispered to Aedan’s ear.

“I know.” was all he said, as he kissed the top of Alistair’s head.

\------------------------------

It was nearly dawn when he woke up, his bones aching from the exercise they hadn’t gotten in a long time. He looked at the blonde sleeping so peacefully, tried not to make any noise as he got out of the bed. He was so beautiful like this and a bit sad too, the corners of his eyes red, his hair tangled all together.

He took a quick bath with the water that was already in the basin, scrubbing the dried semen off.

“You’re leaving without saying anything, again.” Alistair leaned against the bathroom colon, watching Aedan dry his hair and body off.

“What else is there for me to do?” Alistair’s eyes watered.

“I lied, I don’t hate you. I don’t want you to leave. _Please_ , don’t go. Take me with you.” He wore his undergarments and got closer to Alistair, taking his head in his hands.

“I love you, Alistair.” He took a deep breath, bringing their foreheads together.

“I was so proud and young and stupid that I couldn’t see that, I couldn’t see that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you and now that it’s ending, there’s nothing else I can do. But you can, you’ve got years waiting for you.” Alistair cried out.

“So, live, live ort he years we couldn’t.” He kissed Alistair’s eyelids, cheeks and lastly lips.

He opened his mouth to say more, but he couldn’t, only a broken noise coming out from him. He could see his own glassy eyes looking back at him as he stared into Alistair’s eyes.

He let go of his head, wrapping him in a embrace for one last time, squeezing so tight that Alistair’s breath felt constricted for a few seconds. The feeling didn’t seem to go away when they parted.

“I love you.” He said, in one last attempt to convince Aedan to not go, looking at him as he wore Alistair’s clothes laying down on the ground. He smelled the clothes first before putting them on, a single tear falling down from his cheek.

“Yeah, I know.” He sent a sad smile his way, getting out of the room, closing the door ever so politely after him.

Alistair didn’t cry or shout after him, just folded the discarded clothes neatly, made the bed like nothing was wrong. He took a bath and heard the clinkings of a single ghost horse’s hooves hitting the ground from his window.

The sound was too far away to be heard when he got out, so he just laid down the bed and waited until his chambermaid came to wake him up. He acted like everything was fine and nobody dared to question him anyways.

\------------------------------

Robert Aedan Cousland

“In peace, vigilance

In war, victory

In death, sacrifice”

Said the memorial tomb in the woods close to the Grey Warden Castle, and Alistair always thought that the saying fit him the most.

\------------------------------

**Author's Note:**

> All the love, comments and kudos are appreacited :)


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